Remembering

When I was growing up.. Believe it or not we lived in a house that was once a horse stable... And in the neighborhood, there were no girls my age to hang out with.... My two older brothers had their friends but what brother wants his little sister tagging along, not too many I'm sure...

So when I was around 10 my parents got me this little record player that looked like a box :) .. And of course by this time I had already heard some Jackson 5 tunes on the radio, (yes AM radio) so I asked if I could pick out my own records, they actually let me..lol..

I raced to the record store and started snatching up 45's... Then I went home and went up to my bedroom alone, and listened to them.... I spent A LOT of time alone in that room.... Dreaming of things that a normal 10 year old girl dreams of... And Michael was right there with me...

I always refer to Michael as my "Secret Love" cause lets face it who was I gonna tell my parents, my brothers, it would have been a joke to them... So I kept silent and stayed in my little bedroom with Michael and of course his 4 brothers :)....

I would get sad sometimes and cry because there was no one around for me to play with, so I snatched up all the TeenBeat mags I could find and anything else pertaining to Michael and read my little heart out... It was then I began to understand the REAL Michael....

He felt alone at times just like me even though he had brothers as well, it just wasn't the same thing has having your own friends.... He wanted the world to be a better place... He had a love for animals and even though I was a young soul, I understood....

As I got older, in my teen years I made friends of course from school... The Jackson 5 was still up there in popularity and they (my new found friends) would go on and on about them... I just sat quietly with a little smile on my face and listened to them talk about my "secret love".... By this time I was around 14 which made Michael 18 and you know I wasn't spilling my guts then.... Kids, even friends can be so cruel at times...

And what would I have said anyway... Michael helped me get through A LOT of lonely times.. He was always right there with me through his music, interviews, and photos.... That means so much to an introvert, and he would understand that as he was one as well...

So life goes on, boyfriends, dating the whole thing as well as marriage... I got married at 19 and was divorced by 22 .. For some reason I just always felt something was missing in my life.. Then I remembered, it was Michael... With all of the everyday hoopla I didn't have too much time to devote to my "Secret Love" but he was always there, in the background... I just had other things I had to attend too, like my daughter....

I can't even remember when the first negative press came out about Michael cause My God there was always something... But I knew better than to believe what was being said after all, I grew up with Michael, I knew his soul and I knew in my heart that it was all lies....


Ok so at this time I was into my second marriage his name ironically enough "Michael".... Well, I sort of let my feelings for MJ slip out by jumping to his defence so quickly and crying over the way he was being treated... Needless to say the now ex-husband never let me live it down.... But that was ok, I still had my "secret love"... And once again, he was there through his music to help me with hard times.. Because once again I felt something was missing from my life

So here I am now, 46 years old divorced... three kids, one of course is named Michael... And I just lost the "secret love" I've had for 36 years... To say I am taking his passing hard is an understatement... When he died a large part of me died especially the little girl that was still inside of me... I've been hitting the xanax hard because I can't control the crying... Wanting to listen to his sweet voice and look at the huge picture collection I have and then at same time not wanting too because I can't deal with it...

To me Michael had the soul of an Angel and I would have given anything to spend time in his presence because for me that would have been a slice of heaven here on earth....

I love you Michael,, ALWAYS and FOREVER
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So what was the whole purpose for this blog.. I'm actually hoping to get some theraputic relief.. but I don't think it's gonna happen since I cried through the whole thing.... But hey, maybe in time